Monday Funday - April 5th Edition

Found an old writeable CD in my desk last week while spring cleaning - it was labeled “Funny” - but dated from 2002. It was FULL. FULL, people, with “funny” things people had emailed me - over the previous 5 years. Remember when we thought receiving LONG e-mails full of stuff like this was a good thing - and we laughed?

HOW TO RECOGNIZE IF YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
2. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
3. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
5. You lick your coffeepot clean.
6. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
7. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
9. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
11. All your kids are named "Joe."
12. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
14. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
15. People get dizzy just watching you.
16. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
17. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
19. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
20. Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
21. Instant coffee takes too long.
22. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
25. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
26. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
27. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
30. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
31. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
32. You don't tan, you roast.
33. You can't even remember your second cup.
34. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
35. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation

WORST ANALOGIES IN A HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY CONTEST

These are actual analogies written by high school students and submitted to the “contest” by their teachers.

1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with the pinhole in it, and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with the pinhole in it.

2. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from the screen door and would fly up whenever you banged the door open.

3. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

4. McNiel fell twelve stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

5. From the attic came an unearthly how. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city, and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

6. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

7. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

8. Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access “http:flw.quid55328.com/aaakk/ch@ung” but gets “http:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung” by mistake.

9. Her vocabulary was aS bad as like whatever.

10. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

11. The hailstones leaped off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

12. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life what a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man”.

13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55mph, the other Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 45mph.

14. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

17. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds that had never met.

18. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without cling-free.

19. The red brick was the color of a red-brick-Crayola-crayon.

Last One

Tips on Loving – from Kids

What’s the right age to get married?

Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. (Tom, 5)
What do most people do on a date?

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Mike, 9)
When is it okay to kiss someone?

You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR because she'll want to have videos of the wedding. (Jim, 10)
Why love happens between two people:

No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. (Jan, 9)
What falling in love feels like:

Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. (Roger, 9)
If falling it’s anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it; it takes too long. (Leo, 7)
The role of good looks when falling in love:

      If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne, 8)
      It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. (Gary, 7)
      Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. (Christine, 9)
Why lovers often hold hands:

They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. (Dave, 8)
Confidential opinions about love:

      I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons’ is on television. (Anita, 6)
      Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. (Bobby, 8)
      I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. (Regina, 10)
What personal qualities are necessary for being a good lover?

One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. (Ava, 8)
Surefire ways to make someone fall in love with you:

Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. (Alonzo, 9)
One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me. (Bart, 9)
What most people are thinking when they say “I love you.”

The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. (Michelle,9)
How to make love last forever:

Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. (Tom, 7)
Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. (Randy,8)

Whew! Now - go rest your eyeballs and have pity on our pre-meme selves!